It's Been a Long Year, Since We Last Spoke.

I found my self quite upset. Therefore I shall detail the really shitty things I`ve noticed about this week:

1. Will, died exactly a year ago

2. My situation with a friend just got a little more complicated, there’s no control.

3. I noticed I’m quite mediocre in some aspects

4. I have relapsed over and over again, and I`m quite scared

5. I cried my self to sleep all this week

6. I’ve noticed that some people aren’t worth it, people whom one day meant a lot.

7. My sister is still an insufferable bitch.

This is the story of an arrogant girl whom has written many letters in her head, all of them, addressed to you, which makes her think that they got lost in the mail. No matter how many times she hides the fact your dead, it’s constant, it haunts her like a nightmare, it won`t let he sleep. Regret is definitely the worst feeling. Lament for not having the courage to have looked him in the eyes and told him how she felt, constantly thinking that things could have been diverse if only the nerve were present. She tries to forget, trying to ignore by laughing, avoiding failure and the hard fall. Will was this girl’s childhood friend, her neighbor, her mentor, her first of almost everything, always there until the day of his death, a true friend who constantly had the satiric comment.

It’s true no matter how hard she tries, she encloses on a constant self destructive personality, feeling guilty about living, convinced to have deserved his fate, having done so much wrong, so much harm: SHE WOULD HAVE DESERVED THAT. She lives in bitterness, she would have traded him the place she rightfully was worthy of.

She still looks for him online, hopping every single day since February 28^th that his screen name would show up, that he would just magically appear and talk, make jokes and give advice; his death has made me feel so alone, so bitter, so guilty, so regretful, it left her scarred.

She didn’t have a single lament, before that day but she feels sorry for herself. She’ll never forget him, though you’ll never know how she cries alone. She took him for granted, looking back on all of those days she had him, and she thinks to herself in those moments everyone is distracted: “IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ME”.

HIS MEMORY WON`T LET GO.

RIP: WILLIAM JARED SMITH. Jan 1988-Feb 2007